The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

I must preface this post with the fact that I generally like musicals. This one, not so much. Admittedly the song when he’s punting through the mist, taking Christine to his creepy perv dungeon is good. I felt it. The entire rest of the score was, from what I gathered one long song, with no end or beginning. Some of that dialogue could have just been said guys, in a normal way.

Here are some reasons why I found it preposterous and in no way moving.

1. Why is Jennifer Ellison in this film?
2. Why does everyone fancy that Christine chick? I’m sure she didn’t laugh once during the entire film. She just sat in her creepy stone chapel or the excessively gothic graveyard feeling sorry for herself.
3. On that note, maybe you should all just get out of the sodding opera house once in a while….and not just so you can visit graves. Raoul, maybe take Christine to the park on a sunny day, or out for a drink.
4. Miranda Richardson, you really should have stepped in way earlier considering you knew all about the phantom the whole time. He had been killing people.
5. Raoul is a complete drip. The phantom has a life sized doll of Christine in his rape cave. Were these the only male options available in nineteenth century France?!
6. Why didn’t anyone just rugby tackle the phantom when he showed up on stage at the end? He was creeping on Christine and singing a dramatic song. He was 100% vulnerable for a solid four minutes.
7. Gerard Butler’s inconsistent facial disfigurement was confusing. He also definitely had all black hair for the entire film until the big reveal.

Ultimately this left me thinking, “That’s just Gerard with half a sun burnt face.” A bit of a dye job and some make up and he could have easily gone about his life as part of society, hence preventing the entire film.

Red Riding:1974, 1980, 1983 (Channel 4 2009)

The Red Riding saga is a brilliant piece of television (and still available on 4OD fyi). Based on the novels by David Peace, the Yorkshire noire trilogy is intense, slick, complex and epic. It’s grim tone is pervasive but in actual fact watered down when compared to the books. The interwoven storyline of police corruption means you have to work hard and pay attention. I understand that doesn’t make it sound particularly appealing, but it truly is worth the effort for the redemption at the end…..I cried a lot, and continue to do so every time I watch it.

The cast alone is enough to draw the curious. Vintage heavy weights like Sean Bean, David Morrissey, Mark Addy and Warren Clarke star as well as the soon to be Hollywood staples Andrew Garfield, Rebecca Hall and Robert Sheehan. Not to mention my own (West Midlands) favourite Paddy Considine. Everyone character is layered and has sinister backgrounds. There are literally about four characters who could be considered ‘good,’ in the entire nine year narrative.

Lastly the scripts are effecting and quotable.

“The devil triumphs when good men do nowt.”

“This is the North, where we do what we want.”

“We’ll catch our ripper Mr Hunter, not you.”

“How deep does the rot go Maurice? Eh? And who stops it?”

“When did we start to be on opposite sides of the fence?” “We aren’t.” “Feels like it though, doesn’t it?”

“It’s getting dead murky in’t it?”

“So when someone kicks down your front door, kills the dog and rapes the wife, who you gonna call?” “Well it certainly wouldn’t be the West Yorkshire Police - they’d already be in there, wouldn’t they.”

Kill Bill, Vol 1 and 2 (2003, 2004)

This post is going to begin with how much I love Uma Thurman. I think I will name my first born child Beatrix after The Bride, regardless of gender. She is a BAMF…and tall. I also love Daryl Hannah, strutting around with an eye patch on like a boss. Her and Lucy Liu genuinely frighten me.

I’m so intrigued by the muse-director relationship Thurman has with Quentin Tarantino and that they came up with the character of The Bride together. I can vividly see the conversation. “I wanna play a bad ass, samurai sword wielding, blood splattered bride on a kill crazy revenge rampage.” “Let’s make it happen people.”

My favourite thing about the films is the myriad of styles that are weaved together to create the saga. It’s comic books, manga, old school Hollywood, Westerns and martial arts and always with a self referential sense of fun. Tarantino is a genius. (I’m such a fucking cliché but its true).